Raised by Porn
Abandoned by society and my parents about the strange recurring vibrations in my crotch, I had no idea about healthy sexuality. I’m still learning, and know I’m not alone.
There is something seriously wrong with our sex-narrative.
I didn’t “hit” puberty until I was 16; a blessing in disguise. It made me shy and prevented me from sexual mis-encounters at all the drunken parties. This inability to produce sperm till the end of my high-school career made for awkward situations.
Misadventures in school
“How many times do you masturbate a day?” The question bounced around the circle towards me. I was nervous as hell.
Trevor: “Two”
Ben: “three”
Kyle: “You guys are fucked”
Zach: “one”
Josh: “three”
My turn: “…four”.
Everyone’s eyes widened and heads began wobbling in approval. “Whoa, nice.” I was 14 years old and had never masturbated in my life, and didn’t even know what it meant — it was a competition, and higher meant better. I laugh now, and believe four masturbation sessions in a day must be a painful (and highly improbable) experience.
The gap is massive. On one hand sex is taboo and stigmatized, on the other: glorified, romanticized, pursued, and marketed.
Sex sells. Sex manipulates. Sex is power. It can create the highest human ecstasy or unbearable trauma, in a moment.
There was no “good touch, bad touch”, no “healthy sexuality” class, no “non-violent communication” workshop, no “active consent” discourse, no nothing. Just condoms on bananas in gender segregated classrooms. Mother-fucker.
— 30-minute-lesbian-teen-makeout —
Bradly typed it into the YouTube search bar casually. We had been watching mountain biking videos before. “Want to see something sweeeet?” No time to answer. My breath became erratic and weird dolphins swam through my veins. “These ones are my favorite, some go for hours.” The young women are wearing bright colored tank tops revealing curves and cleavage, they begin lightly touching each other and lock lips, then the 30-minute marathon. There were hundreds of other videos to choose from. Once Bradly went home, I was hooked. YouTube was the beginning of my misadventures and miseducation around sex.
I would sneak a session on my parents computer whenever i could — which was often — staring at pixels depicting unfathomable human combinations. Skin, suck, sooth, seduce, submit, sex, surrender. Soon I looked at the women around me with different eyes; were they all as playful and ready-to-fuck?
Too far:
The first time I crossed a line with a female I was turning 18. It was a messy party, and I was in a hurry to catch up to my post-puberty peers. At the end of the night, the girl whose house it was said I could sleep in the spare room, she sent her sister in to accompany me. Laying beside each other, I clumsily begin trying to kiss her. She told me she has a boyfriend. In reply: “me too, don’t worry.”
You can throw rocks at me, I’ll join in. I feel guilty as a burglar typing this out. But it needs to be said.
I stuck my tongue inside her mouth. She didn’t physically stop me, but she was uncomfortable. We slept beside each other. I didn’t try to have sex; I was a virgin, and in my mind I was “make-out-training”. The next morning she slipped out and didn’t speak to me. She hid her face when we were all saying good-bye.
At the time, I thought nothing of it. Sexual violence wasn’t in my vocabulary and I had never been educated about it. I was too conditioned by my competitive male peers to empathize.
“I am sorry, and will do my best to live my apology.”
I don’t know her name and wouldn’t really know how to track her down and say this 12 years later. Likely it would not be appropriate to do so. I don’t want to trigger anyone. I send my silent prayers and ask forgiveness.
Back to porn.
“2.5 billion emails containing porn are sent or received.
68 million search queries related to pornography- 25% of total searches- are generated.
116,000 queries related to child pornography are received.”
I’m not going to go through the numbers, but we are dealing with a pandemic. Yes. A pandemic within the pandemic. Covid lockdown measures have created an 18% increase in porn usage (on the largest site: Pornhub). People are bored, lonely, depressed, anxious, socially-distanced and not allowed to go outside. What the fuck did we think would happen?! Our immunity and well-being was going to increase? Or we were all going to become slaves to our destructive habits.
I slid deeper into the world of porn as I balanced it guiltily behind closed doors and bathroom stalls. I felt terrible after each session, “this is the last time”. My habits were ingrained. Even being walked-in on once or twice by friends and family couldn’t sober my addiction. It is no joke; it severely impacted my mental health and affected all my relationships. With my first girlfriend I remember imagining online scenes while having sex with her. I was possessed.
I needed help but couldn’t find the courage, and who should I have talked to? I’ve looked up some resources and post them below.
No control.
How to dig up deep roots? To start the journey out of my lustful habit pattern, I left society. I bought a 17ft sea kayak and began paddling north. No access works. It wasn’t my only purpose. I was mad at society for lots of reasons, and keen to enter into communion with one of the last wild places on earth — the Pacific Northwest (which is the traditional territory of many First Nations). It kinda worked. Old-growth trees are wonderful mentors. Back in the city I slipped into old ways — powerful urges intertwined with hormones and tingling body sensations propelled me. The internal dialogue in my head was tumultuous.
I gave in.
Therapy:
What finally worked was Vipassana — a 10-day silent meditation retreat aimed at purifying the mind at the deepest level. The technique teaches one not to react to the body sensations (pleasant or painful, it makes no difference). Sit, and accept whatever arises, it is impermanent. I’m not sure what happens in these fantastic battles of the mind, but 10 hours a day of sitting still and observing is the hardest thing I have ever done.
“Don’t move, just sit, be still”
“This is hell! I hate this! Get up, leave now!”
“No, this anger is impermanent too, I will observe objectively.”
“Fuck you!”
My mind is an unruly monkey. I was assaulted by the full spectrum of human emotions: greed, lust, anger, delusion, ignorance, conceit, but also joy, compassion, gratitude, and love. It’s all there. To remain equanimous to both wholesome and unwholesome mental states reduces craving — the root of addiction. It worked, for a year after my first course I didn’t touch porn, but my daily meditation waned, and then the smart phone arrived. Now instant access was traveling in my pocket. I relapsed.
But I knew what to do. I did another course, and another, and volunteered at some of the over 200 centers worldwide. I stayed true to my daily practice best I could — one hour sitting in the morning and evening. I relapsed many times in the last 4 years (I did my first course when I was 26, I’m now 30).
This spring I did my first 20-day course in Gujrat, India; I feel wonderful.
My relationships are more based on selfless love; there is less emotional manipulation and gratification-seeking. I am better at accepting the ups and downs. I am less result oriented and more process present. Blah, blah, blah. It has helped immensely.
The path
There is no closure, no back to normal, only moving forward — one step at a time. The path is difficult but fulfilling. I am still walking; working on other deep roots around food, family, fame, and yes, sex. I don’t watch porn anymore, but the instincts around sex are evolutionary, conditioned, and potent. I am on my toes.
Buddhist monks take vows of celibacy. I am not there yet; I like sex. But I see the power it holds and don’t want my actions governed by a corrupted, untrained brain.
Breathe deep, seek peace, and take it easy alright.
Resources:
https://www.webroot.com/in/en/resources/tips-articles/internet-pornography-by-the-numbers
https://theweek.com/articles/493433/internet-porn-epidemic-by-numbers
Help me:
I can not believe how little direct help there is on this topic. Most information is a tab or mention alongside drug and alcohol addiction material.
https://saa-recovery.org/ (This seems like the most mainstream resource — almost the same as AA.
